Gratitudey crap

I keep seeing the word ‘gratitude’ popping up a lot at the moment.  I guess with the new year people are deciding it’s a fitting time to try and make more of an effort to appreciate the little things in life.  Like all resolutions made at the start of the year, I doubt it lasts past a few weeks for most people… but it’s the thought that counts, right?  Even if someone can do it for a few weeks, it may make a positive impact on their year, so what is to lose?

So I figured I’d jump on the bandwagon.  I highly doubt I’ll post it every day, or even every week… okay, being completely honest with myself, I will probably only make this one post, so I guess I better make it a good one!

My laptop battery is about to die so I guess I’ll just do three gratitudey things for today…

1.  I have an amazing wife who puts up with soooooooooooo much from me.  It takes a special person to be able to deal with someone who suffers from depression (and anxiety), but somehow my wife does it and, even more surprisingly, seems to be more in love with me as time passes.
2. Although I am sad my children are away for a prolonged period of time (though Gabrielle is back in two days!), I am grateful that in Emersyn’s case she has a whole other family who love spending time with her.  Right now she is bonding with her two younger sisters and developing her relationship with her dad and step-mum, as well as her step-mum’s family.  It is incredibly hard being away from her, but I am also glad that she has reason to be away from me for so long.  I am also grateful that, in Gabrielle’s case, my sister and parents wanted to spend extra time with her.  She is getting lots of cousin time, something they’ve all missed out on up until now, she is also getting quality time with her aunty & grandparents… something that I know from my own experience, is so important.
3. This one will sound stupid, but my final gratitudey thing for today is that so far, I haven’t cried today.  Actually, I can’t remember if I cried yesterday either.  Considering so far 2016 has been the year of the tear for me, it is a huge accomplishment and something I truly am grateful for.

 

So there you have it.  In amongst the depressive episode I’m currently having, there are at least three things I am grateful for; things that I can think about and smile, knowing that although at times it seems like there is nothing positive happening in my brain, there actually is.

Christmas photo 2015

On Sunday we had a family photo taken with Santa!  The last time we did this was 2012 and it is amazing how much the kiddos have grown!!!

I have more to update but I don’t have the time right now… so I shall just leave you with our photo!

… and for comparison, our photo taken in 2012 (our first ever family photo!)

Maybe I CAN do this…

Lauriel got a job and began working last week.  I was worried about how I would cope because since about April 2013 she has been doing a bulk of the responsible adulting and parenting, because of my less than stellar mental health.

Prior to last week, I can’t really remember the last time I took the kids to school by myself, or went and did the groceries by myself (actually, it was Christmas Eve 2014… what was I, fucking crazy???), or did the little errands that needed to be done.  Sometimes I would go to school with her.  Sometimes I would go to the supermarket with her.  Very rarely did I do anything alone that would put me in contact with those scary human things.

Depression and anxiety do fucked up things to your brain.  The simplest of adult tasks seemed impossible and I lacked motivation to do… well, anything really.  Even eating was hard and on a daily basis Lauriel would have to force me to eat breakfast, to eat lunch.

You can understand how shocked I am that 10 days into needing to be self sufficient, and being responsible for everything relating to the kids (until 5pm), I am thriving.

I wouldn’t say I LOVE my wife being at work all day, but finally, after years and years of feeling like I am inadequate as an adult, I feel like a real adult.  I feel like a real mum.  I feel like a real wife.

I really am shocked that I feel so mentally well, because I thought it’d be the opposite.  I had images of myself crying all day while Lauriel was at work.  I had images of needing to force myself to pick the kids up, and crying all the way there.  I had images of being pissy that I had to go to the supermarket, of getting out of that place and being ready to punch a brick wall.

But no.  Being in a routine has done wonders for me.  Doing what I want, when I want is no longer an option.

I know that I have to be awake at 7.30am. 
I know that I have to have the lunches done and kids out the door by 8.30am. 
I know that I need to do x, y & z on certain days. 
I know I need to leave home and be at school by 2.50pm. 
I know I need to bring the kids home and get afternoon tea and homework underway. 
I know that I need to have dinner planned and depending on what it is, underway by 5.30pm. 
I know that between 5.00pm and 5.30pm Lauriel gets home and we spend a few minutes cuddling and talking about the day. 
I know that around 6.30pm dinner is had. 
I know that between 7pm & 7.30pm the three younger kids go to bed. 
I know that 8pm means lights off. 
I know that around 9pm Eloise goes to bed. 
I know that around 10.30pm we go to bed.

The last time I felt ‘blah’ (aka: depressed) or anxious was at least 10 days ago, and that is a major accomplishment for me.

I do miss my wife like crazy when she’s at work, but I’m also busy enough that I don’t really have time to sit and mope, or to feel sorry for myself.  For the first time in a long time, my brain doesn’t feel quite so cluttered and the world doesn’t seem quite so scary.

Except on Sunday and Monday, when my wife has days off.  By then I’m over being a responsible adult and tend to become a bit of a recluse.

 

Overdue road trip update

I posted that we were going on an impromptu road trip to New Plymouth – and then completely forgot to update when we got back!

First of all, the weather was PERFECT for a trip up the coast!  We were able to see Mt. Taranaki in its full beauty and had a lovely view of the ocean.  We stopped along the way for some photo opportunities, as well as to visit a cemetery… because who doesn’t drive along and say “OOOOOH, OLD CEMETERY! LET’S VISIT!”.  The cemetery was the final resting place of 12 sailors who drowned when their boat – the Lizzie Bell – capsized off the Taranaki coast (if you want to read more about it, click here!).

I’ve often posted about the calming effect the ocean has on me, and it is fair to say I was extremely happy, calm & relaxed as we drove along the coast!  On top of that, I also love mountains… needless to say being flanked on one side by the ocean and on the other side by Mt. Taranaki meant I was in a very happy place, mentally & emotionally.

Our first stop [after driving about 15 minutes in the wrong direction…] was Pouakai Zoo.  There were plenty of animals to look at, including two white tigers and two lions!  The kids loved having the chance to hand feed some of the animals (um, not the tigers or lions), admittedly so did the adults!

The next stop was the New Plymouth waterfront.  We walked, we talked, we ate, the kids played… and the weather was gorgeous.  Perfect for spending a couple of hours getting some of that glorious sea air!

When we left the waterfront it was too early for dinner, so we drove around and showed Mathilde & the kids some of the sights of New Plymouth – our second favourite city starting with ‘N’!

Dinner.  Oh dinner.  HELLO LONESTAR!

Not a lot more really needs to be said.  Lonestar have ribs.  And they are awesome.  And we ate until we were stuffed.  The kids were all given a free t-shirt for doing a colouring in competition, and because Mathilde helped Aidan, she too got a t-shirt!

Then it was time for home.  Surprisingly, the kids didn’t fall asleep until we were at  least an hour into our (2 hour) trip… I sure wish I had their energy!

We were close to home when suddenly the moon was right in front of us; huge, golden and overwhelmingly beautiful.  Yeap, we had a pretty awesome view of the super moon!!!  It was interesting to see how big it was up in the hills and then how small it seemed once we were home and back at (close to) sea level.

The trip was definitely a success and I am glad we were able to share another one of our special places with the kids, who were incredibly well behaved.  I would actually go as far as to say I enjoyed taking four kids on a road trip… something I never thought I would say.

Impromptu roadtrip #2!

We can’t resist a chance to get up close and personal with this gorgeous mountain!

Lauriel’s friend is here from France and today we decided……

Hey!  Why not go to New Plymouth!

So that is what we are doing!  In our defense, the weather IS beautiful today and tomorrow is meant to be crap – there is no point going to New Plymouth and not being able to see the stunning Mt. Taranaki!  New Plymouth has always been special to Lauriel and I, as a couple, so we never turn down a chance to go for the day.

Before you ask, yes, all four kiddos are coming with… it is the school holidays in NZ right now, and we wanted to do something nice with our crew before Aidan and Eloise head off with their dad on Friday.

Know what?  It was me – little miss travel anxiety – that suggested we go!  I didn’t even think ‘noooo, we might crash and die!‘, I just out and suggested a roadtrip.  Not only is it a roadtrip, it is also a roadtrip where I am in the passenger seat.  That generally equals double the anxiety for me; not because I don’t trust my fabulous wife driving, but because I have this intense need to be in control of the vehicle I am in.

Maybe, just maybe, I am finally taking control of this anxiety thing.  It’s a lovely feeling.

I am sure I’ll be back later with photos from our day in the ‘Naki!

Unlike our first trip to New Plymouth, I do not plan on spending hours in the ER with a sprained ankle…

 

Roadtrip: success!

… admittedly one of the highlights of our weekend

Well, our roadtrip was pretty damn successful!  So successful in fact, that the kids all want to move to Napier.  So do we.  Dreams are free, huh.

Rather than giving a hugely detailed account of our trip I thought I’d just post some photos and a general overview… here goes!

Friday
We left about lunchtime, got to Napier at 3.30pm and stopped at the Silky Oak Chocolate Company for some afternoon tea (OMG, the 3 hour trip was worth it for the Marshmallow slice!).  We then went into the city and spent some time on Marine Parade before heading up to the Bluff Hill lookout for some… well, looking out!  Bluff Hill was followed by a trip to Mexi Mama for an authentic Mexican dinner.  Well worth the cost, the food was simply delicious!  After dinner we found our way out to my friend’s house and spent a couple of hours socialising before getting some much needed sleep.

Kiddos all ready to go!

Rainbow on the way to Napier

Marshmallow slice from Silky Oak Chocolate Company

Entering Napier… I love the Palm trees!

Marine Parade

Bluff Hill

Mexican for dinner… seemed only right to have a Corona!

 

Saturday
We left my friend’s at around 8.30am and headed into Hastings to get some new shoes for Emersyn.  Her boots broke.  Of course.  After our quick visit to KMart we went up to the top of Te Mata Peak and were lucky enough to have a breathtaking view of Hawke’s Bay.  Te Mata Peak was followed by a short visit to Arataki Honey to sample some honey and learn about bees… it was quite fascinating really!  From Arataki Honey we finally made it to Skeinz.  It was love at first sight, I tell ya!  All that wool, all that inspiration – it really would have been easy to spend hundreds of dollars in there!  By then time was getting on so we had a quick stop at McDonalds for lunch before going to McLean Park to watch Hawke’s Bay beat Taranaki in the final pre-season match.  We were lucky enough to get a photo with one of our favourite players who seemed amused when Eloise told him her dad used to be his teacher when he was in primary school!  After the game we stopped at the famous Marine Parade playground before heading to Feilding to stay with friends for the night.

Te Mata Peak

Skeinz, baby!

The kids with Tony Lamborn, a family favourite!

… and a rainbow on our way out of Napier

Sunday
Was mostly spent in our pyjamas, having baby cuddles. Eventually we left, getting home at around 3.30pm.

My wifey and Miss Lillian (3mo)

As nice as our weekend was, it was lovely to get home!

… and Mr Bo was happy to have us home

“Let’s go on a roadtrip” they said…

You know how sometimes you get an idea and you know it’s going to blow up in your face, but there is a small chance it might actually work out splendidly and that small chance is enough to make you go for it?  Also known as a ‘<enter activity here> they said, it’ll be fun they said’ moment.  Well, we had us one of those on Tuesday; it went a little something like this:

“So where is the Hawke’s Bay game on Saturday?”
“Napier”
“Hmm, we could go… take all the kids, make a day of it!”
“We could…”
“We should…”
“We really should!”
“Let’s do it!”
*excited giggling ensues*

Us in October 2012, our first trip to Napier

On Wednesday ‘make a day of it‘ turned into ‘we could always stay the night‘.
This morning after a friends invitation to stay, ‘could stay the night‘ turned into ‘we will stay the night‘.
… and there is the potential for it to turn into two nights.

Yeap.  We, of [supposedly] sound mind are taking our four lovely (read: crazy) children on a 3 hour roadtrip to watch some rugby and explore Napier.  For a whole weekend.  A whole week.end. Whooooooole weekend.

Napier is a very special place for Lauriel and I – it is the first place we went away to together on a roadtrip – and I love that we’re going to have a chance to share it with our children.

I remember as a kid it was always so exciting to know we were going away for a weekend, especially if it was somewhere we didn’t often go (for us that place was Christchurch, Dunedin or Queenstown)… and I want our kids to have that same excitement!  Eloise is already extremely excited about going – and if you have a tween or teen, you’ll know what a joy it is to see them excited about something; especially something related to spending time with you!  Gabrielle and Aidan are also excited… to the extent they have decided they’re going to get up at 5.30am so we can leave as soon as humanly possible.  Emersyn is Emersyn.  As long as we are there, as long as Eloise is there, she is happy.

At the game we went to on our Napier trip

The kids don’t know that we are now leaving tomorrow as our original plan was to leave on Saturday morning.  Okay, this is going to result in tears from Gabrielle (how dare we make her miss a day of school?!) but I’m sure she will get over it by the time we are at McDonalds having breakfast *rolls eyes* (yeah, I stupidly promised McD’s as a treat for breakfast).

I’m not too sure what we’re going to do in Napier, but one thing is for sure, we’ll be checking out the Skeinz shop!  I hear there is a magical bin there that I simply have to check out!  Speaking of knitting, because Lauriel is doing the driving I will be able to do lots of knitting on the trip there and back!  Might even be able to get my niece’s Unadorned knit over that time!

Okay.  I said the kids are excited, but really… I am bloody excited.  I cannot wait to get away with my beautiful family for a whole weekend… it’s been so long since Lauriel and I went away and even longer since we went away with the kiddos.

On a more serious note: this is going to be a big test for my anxiety.  As I’ve posted before, one of my major anxiety issues is with being a passenger in a car driving long distances.  I am feeling a lot more relaxed about it than I would have this time a year ago and am actually considering emailing my psychologist to let him know just how far out of my comfort zone I’m stepping.  Sure, it might be a different story tomorrow morning, but all I know is I can do this and I will do this.

UPDATE: this is now a full weekend trip…. two nights away it is!

Sometimes I don’t think I’m fit to be part of the human race

A portrait of yours truly

Weeks like this are enough to make me pull my hair out.  Actually, earlier this morning that is what I was trying to do.  I was pulling on my hair hoping it would come out in my hand and some of the frustration I was feeling would magically disappear, perhaps it would float out of the empty hair follicles?

Like the title for this blog states: sometimes I don’t think I’m fit to be part of the human race, or at the least, that I’m not fit to be part of a human clan.  I should be shut off from everyone and everything, left to my own devices until I either ‘get over it’ (how I hate that fucking term, but it is all I can think of) or finally do lose the plot and get carted off in a straight jacket.

Rationally I know I’m not insane, that a straight jacket isn’t in my future – BUT – weeks like this I feel like I’m just one little step away from being locked up and the key being thrown away.  Perhaps into a volcano.  Or the core of the sun.  Somewhere as hot as a mofo, that would dissolve the key.

I can’t even explain what is wrong or why I feel this way.

Am I sad?  I dunno.  Maybe.  I miss my parents and my sister. (Yeah, now sit me watch and cry with those words out on virtual paper)
Am I angry?  Not really, well, only with myself.
Am I upset about something-in-particular?  No.  If there was something that was making me upset I would be able to fix it, this funk would have disappeared almost as soon as it began.

I tried to explain it to Lauriel yesterday, the best I could come up with was

Nothing specific, my blood just feels thick and I can’t breathe and my brain is cloudy and something is clutching at my throat

Nothing specific.  Sure.  How the hell can ‘nothing specific’ turn me into a complete and utter bitch?  I have a horribly short temper, I don’t know if I’ve said a nice word to the kids all week (okay, I have, a lot, but it doesn’t feel like it), I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to stay at home, I don’t laugh at things I’d normally laugh at.

I just feel tense.  Wound up.  Tight.  Hyper-sensitive.

Sound.  Sound is doing my head in.  Literally.  The constant chatter of the kids, the music they play on their tablets, the singing they do, the hovering, the- all our kids do is talk and make noise!

I hate myself for finding the above annoying – they are bloody kids – it’s what they do!  It’s what they are meant to do, it is what they are allowed to do, it’s what kids have done for hundreds of thousands of years!  They talk, they laugh, they sing, they ask, the whine, they giggle… and here I am, cringing and clenching my jaw, wishing like hell they would just shut the f**k up.

I’m like the fucking grinch right now.

What makes it worse is that it hasn’t been a one day thing, it has been the whole week.  I know it is probably caused by stress (money related), cabin fever (we have been stuck at home a lot due to being down one car and having a kiddo with a fractured ankle) and good ol’ hormones (seriously, you’d think evolution would have made hormones easier to deal with?).  Even though I know that, no matter how hard I try to force myself out of this funk, I can’t.

Even as I’m telling myself ‘calm down’, I am getting angry because of Bruno Mars or Taylor Swift playing from a bedroom, or because of a child asking for the fiftieth time if it is lunchtime yet, or because a fly keeps landing on my ankle, or because the wind is blowing a certain way (actually, I lie, there has been bugger all wind lately!)…

Irrational.  That’s me right now.

I KNOW it is going to go away, that it’s not a permanent thing… but that doesn’t make being in the middle of it any easier.

What I’m most ashamed of is that it’s my kids suffering.  They didn’t ask for a mother with mental health problems!  Perhaps it’s harder because most of the time I DO feel fine, in fact, I have felt better over the past six months than I have in years… but getting used to feeling good means that when I feel bad, I feel really, really bad.

Tell me how it is fair that ‘healing’ or ‘recovering’ or ‘whatever’ from depression can leave you feeling worse than when you AREN’T dealing with it?

Before I sign off, I feel the need to share this video again, all about a big black dog… the perfect metaphor for depression

 

Getting into the Christmas spirit

Of course I had to get my festive crochet on!

For me, the build up to Christmas 2014 has been one like never before.  Why?  For the first time in my 31 years in this world, I am going to be spending Christmas without my parents or my sister.

They did a good job with the Christmas tree!

We have all four kids this Christmas (which is awesome!) but that means we can’t go down to have Christmas with
my folks because it would mean hiring a big car… I priced it and it wasn’t in our price range, not if we wanted to, y’know, eat and pay bills!  Then there is the fact mum and dad have a three bedroom house and there are 6 of us, not to mention my sister, niece, and brother-in-law.  Eleven people in a three bedroom house?  It just doesn’t work.  Mum’s work constraints also mean that it isn’t really worth it for them to come up here, not when they would have to spend half of their time travelling to and from.  Christmas shouldn’t be about stress and both of our options for a family Christmas with my parents/sister equated to stress.

I am sad I won’t get to see my parents or sister on Christmas Day, I am sad we won’t be able to partake in our relaxed Christmas Day traditions, that we can’t watch the kids with their new toys together, that we can’t feed off their joy and excitement together.  Christmas is about familiy and it doesn’t feel completely like Christmas with the knowledge that part of my family won’t be with me on the day.

Has it ruined Christmas for me?  No.
Am I still excited about Christmas?  Yes.

Emersyn and her best bud with Santa at their preschool Christmas party

I may not be with my parents/sister for Christmas but I am with my family.  My wife, our four fantabulous kids… it sounds pretty amazing to me.  This will be our first Christmas spent together in our house as a happy little blended family; that in itself is a big (exciting) milestone and is what I have chosen to focus on.  It won’t just be us though, our surrogate family, Jess & Tony (Emersyn’s grandpa & step-grandma on her dad’s side) are going to come and spend part of the day with us so there will be more than enough cheer to go around.

I have tried not to complain about not being with my parents/sister for Christmas because Lauriel lives on the other side of the world from her family and Christmas without them is the norm for her.  Who am I to be miserable about one year away from the rest of my family when my poor wife goes years without seeing her family?  I know she will read this and tell me I have every right to be upset about it – and I know I do – but when I put it in perspective it isn’t as bad as some people have it.

At least my parents and sister are alive.  Some people have a lot more than distance and

money preventing them from spending time with loved ones on Christmas Day; I can imagine those people would love to be able to complain about the fact they’ll only be able to ring and/or Skype their family on Christmas Day.

It is also hard not to get excited about Christmas when you have kids.  They are already incredibly hyped up about Christmas Day and their excitement is catching.  Every now and then I find myself belting out a Christmas song or getting an it-was-a-good-idea-at-the-time idea for something crafty to do with the kids (please note: I am NOT patient enough for kiddy crafting sessions!).  I am looking forward to being woken up on Christmas morning by four very enthusiastic (read: hyperactive) kids who SIMPLY CANNOT WAIT to open their Santa sacks or the rest of their presents.

For me Christmas is all about love… I am going to be surrounded by plenty of love on Christmas Day so how can I possibly complain?

 

They say there is an app for everything…

I call bullshit on this one – there is one app you can’t find – one to magically give you patience with children.

Okay, maybe it’s me that needs that app rather than everyone in general… I seem to be lacking the part of my parental brain that allows me to be patient with my children.  It’s not so much everyday-patience I need, it is patience while helping my children with something.  Homework, craft, tidying up, I just don’t seem to have the necessary skill set to stay calm and be patient.  I see parents who spend hours a week doing crafty things with their kids and I have to wonder how the hell they manage it?

I guess part of it is that as a person I am impatient.  I like things to be done now.  I don’t like waiting.

I NEED to remember this

When it comes to Gabrielle I think part of my lack of patience is related to the fact she is a perfectionist and is very hard on herself.  If she makes a mistake she gets very upset and I don’t seem to be able to deal with that in a positive way.  It is one of the things I love about my eldest, she aims so high and has such huge personal standards, but the downside is how she reacts when she doesn’t do something perfect the first time.  I am quite the opposite.  I expect myself to royally f**k up whenever I try something, so don’t have these same high standards for myself (and I know what when reading this my wife will scowl and me and tell me I’m too hard on myself).

I try my hardest to be patient but 9/10 I will fail and then feel down on myself because I think this makes me a shitty parent.  I know it doesn’t make me a bad parent, but as a parent we tend to compare ourselves to other parents and when I see them with the patience of a saint… it’s a horrible part of being a parent.

My wife has more patience than me, she will say she doesn’t, but trust me – she does.  Last week I had the pleasure of watching Gabrielle and her lying on the floor together working on hard maths equations.  I got frustrated just looking at the equations and Gaby was in tears within a few seconds… but with Lauriel she grasped it and I could see her confidence growing with each correct maths equation she did.  I could see how proud she was of herself when she mastered a sum that was in the thousands.

It makes me feel better to know that while I’m lacking in the patience area my wife isn’t and that kind of makes up for me being so impatient.

As sooooooooooo often happens when you have children, you think back to your own childhood and see the similarities between you and your children, but also between yourself and your parents.

I remember frustrating the hell out of mum when I was doing maths in primary school.  She would explain and explain and explain, over and over and over, but I just wouldn’t grasp the concept.  I would get grumpy.  She would try to explain again.  I would yell.  She would try to stay calm.  I would yell more.  She would get frustrated and yell back.  Maths would go away and I would turn my attention to something else.

Knowing that my mum had this same patience issue (with maths anyway!) makes me feel better… my mum was/is an amazing parent so perhaps my little patience problem isn’t quite the terrible parenting affliction that I think it is.  Time will tell.

This I do believe!