So much to do, so little motivation

Well, really that should say ‘so little motivation to do the things I actually have to do‘.

University started back last week and I’m now officially in the final semester of my Bachelor of Communication.  Yeap, after 2 1/2 years the end is in sight.  I just wish my motivation was.  I am incredibly behind on my university work for the four papers I’m doing this semester and know I need to put in some serious catch up hours.  But… I just can’t.

I don’t want to.

I want to knit, I want to write, I want to do things with the kids, I want to do things with my wife, I want to hybernate in bed until winter is over.

I’m confused as to why I feel this way.  Usually my lack of motivation is depression related, but I can honestly say that isn’t the problem this time around… and while that is a good thing thing, it also leaves me feeling lazy and useless.  There is no reason behind my lack of motivation other than, well… I just can’t be bothered.

In the past I have used posting on my blog as  a way to be accountable; if it is out there for the public to read it means I need to do something to change my behaviour.  Perhaps it’s something to do with my fear of being judged?

Either way, I have shit loads of chapters to read and notes to write.  Now I need to force myself to do both of those things.  And stop feeling so motivated and inspired to do other things.

Other things, like writing a novel aimed at the YA (young adult) audience.  For a long time now I’ve wanted to write the type of book I struggled to find to read when I was a teen.  Stories that deal with real life issues and themes; teen pregnancy, suicide, depression, addiction, rape, sexuality, abortion, bullying… things that are supposed to happen to ‘someone else’.

At the moment I’m writing a story which deals with rape and unplanned pregnancy; if you feel the need to check it out you can check out my blog here…  the blog is still in its infancy but I’m trying to update regularly!

It is possible I’m using blogging as a way to avoid getting started on my school work, so I should probably end this here and get on with it… right?

Perhaps I’ll just do a little chapter planning beforehand.  Or maybe some knitting.  Oooh, or maybe I could…….

 

This whole ‘colouring for mindfulness’ thingy…

One of the proudest moments in my life was winning a colouring in competition in year six and being awarded my prize by (cricketer) Stephen Fleming.  I don’t think I did a lot of colouring after that… why would I?  Colouring is a kids thing, right?

Wrong, apparently!  A few months back I started noticing all these mandala colouring posts popping up on Facebook and admittedly became quite curious.

This past weekend I realised there is actually a technical term for it – colouring for mindfulness – which sounds a lot classier (and more grown up) than simply ‘colouring in’.

It’s more than a fancy name for something most of us do from the time we can hold a crayon in our chubby little fists as toddlers; it is an exercise in, well, as the name suggests, mindfulness.  It’s a way to calm the mind, to clear away all the assorted jumble of thoughts and just be.

Really, it is the perfect meditation activity for someone like me who finds it incredibly hard to just sit and free the mind.  Actually, it is near impossible for me and I find that my inner dialogue is at its worst when it is just me, myself and I sitting still – I believe it can be referred to as ‘relaxation’.  I don’t do relaxation.  Not without something to keep my hands busy.

Crocheting works, knitting works, so I figure there may be something to this colouring thing.  I am so curious, in fact, that today we downloaded some images, printed them out, purchased some pencils that are just for us (a phrase that isn’t often used or respected as a parent) and right now I’m going to go and get my colour on.

I shall report back in the near future!

Goodnight y’all!

We added to our family!

I’ve posted on this blog quite a lot about the conflicting emotions that come with knowing that Lauriel and I aren’t going to have a baby together.  It’s something I find I have made peace with about 90% of the time, but there is still that 10% of the time where I feel anything but peace-ish.

We recently celebrated Emersyn’s 5th birthday (note to self: do a general update post!) and amongst the partygoers was a teeny, tiny, utterly adorable, perfectly perfect 3 week old bubba girl, Lillian.  As you can probably guess, holding that teeny, tiny, utterly adorable, perfectly perfect baby in my arms triggered the not-so-at-peace emotions I feel with regard to Lauriel and I not having our own kiddo together.  Watching my wifey holding the baby my uterus literally ached, and then when I finally had a cuddle I went into that automatic gentle-swaying-side-to-side, whispering-soothing-words type of zone it’s impossible not to enter into after you’ve had a baby of your own.

For a while there my brain toyed with the idea of suggesting perhaps we should have a baby.  The sight of Lauriel snuggling with a baby was one I could have gotten very used to, very quickly… the sight of the kids holding the baby and looking at her with awe was also one I could’ve gotten used to quickly.  Lillian, her mummy, daddy, brother and sister all left and so did the idea of suggesting we talk seriously about whether or not we should take the baby plunge ourselves.

But the sadness didn’t leave.  That feeling of…  not being empty (I am anything but!) but being… well, um… just knowing, I guess, that in an ideal world we could have all of that ourselves, but that realistically that ship has sailed.  It’s that stupid head over heart thing.

Now I’m off on a philosophical tangent.  Ever so sorry!

Anyway!  Fast forward to about three days later…

We went to the SPCA and adopted a kitty cat!

Introducing: Mr Bo

Yeap, we have ourselves a furbaby!  His name is Mr Bo (Mr Bojangles if you are addressing him formally) an he is the cutest, funniest, cuddliest, friendliest, most patient cat I have ever met!  He’s wonderful with the kids and from the very start has enjoyed playing with them during the day and cuddling up with one of them for the night.  Mr Bo settled in very quickly and I think he’s just as happy to be here as we are to have him here.

We may not have a baby together, but we now have a kitty cat together and in honesty, I think it’s just what I needed to fill that void-that-wasn’t-a-void-but-I-can’t-think-of-a-suitable-word-for-it.  It’s kind of like having a human baby together; we snuggle with him, we bond while smooching with him in bed… then there is the occasional poo to clean up, he demands food and gets under our feet.  But we wouldn’t be without him!

Is it odd of me to say that with the addition of Mr Bo, I feel as if our little family is complete?

Pretty kitty loves his Aunty Ali

#MiloMay final report

First things first – I’m already looking forward to Milo May 2016!!!

Milo May gave me the perfect excuse to stop making, well, excuses,  and finally attempt a Milo, something I’d been wanting to do ever since I saw the pattern months ago.  Mission accomplished!  Not only did I make my very first Milo, I ended up making eight of them and in the process developed my knitting skills and got over my fear of working with circular needles!

I know the Milo is an easy pattern and some people could do them in their sleep, but for me, it was a major milestone-esque accomplishment to successfully complete the pattern – and eight times over!  Over the month of May I realised that I doubt myself far too much and that I can do something if I set my mind to it and refuse to give up… it’s a pretty nice feeling, really.

On top of the personal high-fiving, I was lucky enough to win one of the Milo May prizes, my very own Zippy Wippies WIP (that’s ‘work in progress’ to those of you not in the know) bag!  I cannot wait to see the finished product and to finally have an awesome bag to take my WIPs in when I take knitting out with me!

Lastly, I was lucky enough to see one of the Milos in use by its recipient, Miss Lillian.  Was a pretty cool feeling to see her wearing it and to know it was something I’d created…

Milo #1

Milo #2

Milo #3

Milo #4

Milo #5

Milo #6

Milo #7

Milo #8

Miss Lillian in her Milo