I feel like Dory right now

No matter how hard I try at the moment, I just can’t get past the toe section of damn socks.  My latest knitting challenge is to knit two socks at a time.  It goes brilliantly until I get to the end of the toes and then I f*ck up in some way.  I feel like I can’t win and that I should give up, but stupid me doesn’t want to give up!

I know, I know it’s actually a good thing that I don’t want to give up, but right now, as I stare at empty knitting needles and messy balls of yarn, I feel plain ol’ defeated.

All I can think of is Dory from Finding Nemo.  Just keep swimming knitting, just keep swimming knitting, just keep swimming knitting…

If I just keep swimming knitting, surely, eventually I will have to accomplish this goal, right?  (Please?!)

A new studenty me.

I started my second degree this year, a BA majoring in Classics and minoring in French.  This semester I am taking French, Latin, Identity and Belonging, and Greek History; it is odd to be doing non-business related papers, like I have been doing for the past three years (a B.Communication is essentially full of business papers), but I love it.

Something else that is different, and that I’m quite proud of?  Right now I’m on my mid-semester break (2 weeks) and for the first time in my time as a Massey student, I am up to date… this year I can actually use the mid-semester break for revising and relaxing!  It’s quite an amazing feeling really, not feeling like I’m playing catch up, or that I’m falling more behind with each day.

I don’t feel as if I’m progressing enough with French or Latin, but rather than freaking about it, I am doing something about it.  Revising.  That thing I always promise myself I’ll do, but up until now, have not.

I think my depression is a bit better than it has been because I am now in a daily routine with studying etc, no more sitting around wasting time and thinking about what I should be doing…  It’s taken years, but hopefully it’s a permanent change!

Things I need to remember:

The biggest fucker of a… well, right now I’m in a state and can’t think of the stupid word…

We’re told to speak, to voice our opinions, to not be afraid of telling someone how we feel; we decide to be brave, to speak, to let our voice be heard, to make our feelings known; and then we remember why we choose not to speak, to make our opinions known, or to explain how we feel.

Yeap.  In the space of two or three days I’ve severely fucked off two important people in my life, and as I sit here in tears, trying to breath properly rather than hyperventilate, all I can think is “and that is why you don’t do people, you stupid bitch.”

I feel useless, as if I don’t belong; society isn’t a place for me.  I’ve tried to be so brave, to socialise, to open up and go against every instinct in my body that tells me to run and hide.  Now I just want to run and hide more.

Why do I bother interacting and trying to be ‘normal’, when it just blows up in my fucking face?