A new studenty me.

I started my second degree this year, a BA majoring in Classics and minoring in French.  This semester I am taking French, Latin, Identity and Belonging, and Greek History; it is odd to be doing non-business related papers, like I have been doing for the past three years (a B.Communication is essentially full of business papers), but I love it.

Something else that is different, and that I’m quite proud of?  Right now I’m on my mid-semester break (2 weeks) and for the first time in my time as a Massey student, I am up to date… this year I can actually use the mid-semester break for revising and relaxing!  It’s quite an amazing feeling really, not feeling like I’m playing catch up, or that I’m falling more behind with each day.

I don’t feel as if I’m progressing enough with French or Latin, but rather than freaking about it, I am doing something about it.  Revising.  That thing I always promise myself I’ll do, but up until now, have not.

I think my depression is a bit better than it has been because I am now in a daily routine with studying etc, no more sitting around wasting time and thinking about what I should be doing…  It’s taken years, but hopefully it’s a permanent change!

So much to do, so little motivation

Well, really that should say ‘so little motivation to do the things I actually have to do‘.

University started back last week and I’m now officially in the final semester of my Bachelor of Communication.  Yeap, after 2 1/2 years the end is in sight.  I just wish my motivation was.  I am incredibly behind on my university work for the four papers I’m doing this semester and know I need to put in some serious catch up hours.  But… I just can’t.

I don’t want to.

I want to knit, I want to write, I want to do things with the kids, I want to do things with my wife, I want to hybernate in bed until winter is over.

I’m confused as to why I feel this way.  Usually my lack of motivation is depression related, but I can honestly say that isn’t the problem this time around… and while that is a good thing thing, it also leaves me feeling lazy and useless.  There is no reason behind my lack of motivation other than, well… I just can’t be bothered.

In the past I have used posting on my blog as  a way to be accountable; if it is out there for the public to read it means I need to do something to change my behaviour.  Perhaps it’s something to do with my fear of being judged?

Either way, I have shit loads of chapters to read and notes to write.  Now I need to force myself to do both of those things.  And stop feeling so motivated and inspired to do other things.

Other things, like writing a novel aimed at the YA (young adult) audience.  For a long time now I’ve wanted to write the type of book I struggled to find to read when I was a teen.  Stories that deal with real life issues and themes; teen pregnancy, suicide, depression, addiction, rape, sexuality, abortion, bullying… things that are supposed to happen to ‘someone else’.

At the moment I’m writing a story which deals with rape and unplanned pregnancy; if you feel the need to check it out you can check out my blog here…  the blog is still in its infancy but I’m trying to update regularly!

It is possible I’m using blogging as a way to avoid getting started on my school work, so I should probably end this here and get on with it… right?

Perhaps I’ll just do a little chapter planning beforehand.  Or maybe some knitting.  Oooh, or maybe I could…….