Maybe I CAN do this…

Lauriel got a job and began working last week.  I was worried about how I would cope because since about April 2013 she has been doing a bulk of the responsible adulting and parenting, because of my less than stellar mental health.

Prior to last week, I can’t really remember the last time I took the kids to school by myself, or went and did the groceries by myself (actually, it was Christmas Eve 2014… what was I, fucking crazy???), or did the little errands that needed to be done.  Sometimes I would go to school with her.  Sometimes I would go to the supermarket with her.  Very rarely did I do anything alone that would put me in contact with those scary human things.

Depression and anxiety do fucked up things to your brain.  The simplest of adult tasks seemed impossible and I lacked motivation to do… well, anything really.  Even eating was hard and on a daily basis Lauriel would have to force me to eat breakfast, to eat lunch.

You can understand how shocked I am that 10 days into needing to be self sufficient, and being responsible for everything relating to the kids (until 5pm), I am thriving.

I wouldn’t say I LOVE my wife being at work all day, but finally, after years and years of feeling like I am inadequate as an adult, I feel like a real adult.  I feel like a real mum.  I feel like a real wife.

I really am shocked that I feel so mentally well, because I thought it’d be the opposite.  I had images of myself crying all day while Lauriel was at work.  I had images of needing to force myself to pick the kids up, and crying all the way there.  I had images of being pissy that I had to go to the supermarket, of getting out of that place and being ready to punch a brick wall.

But no.  Being in a routine has done wonders for me.  Doing what I want, when I want is no longer an option.

I know that I have to be awake at 7.30am. 
I know that I have to have the lunches done and kids out the door by 8.30am. 
I know that I need to do x, y & z on certain days. 
I know I need to leave home and be at school by 2.50pm. 
I know I need to bring the kids home and get afternoon tea and homework underway. 
I know that I need to have dinner planned and depending on what it is, underway by 5.30pm. 
I know that between 5.00pm and 5.30pm Lauriel gets home and we spend a few minutes cuddling and talking about the day. 
I know that around 6.30pm dinner is had. 
I know that between 7pm & 7.30pm the three younger kids go to bed. 
I know that 8pm means lights off. 
I know that around 9pm Eloise goes to bed. 
I know that around 10.30pm we go to bed.

The last time I felt ‘blah’ (aka: depressed) or anxious was at least 10 days ago, and that is a major accomplishment for me.

I do miss my wife like crazy when she’s at work, but I’m also busy enough that I don’t really have time to sit and mope, or to feel sorry for myself.  For the first time in a long time, my brain doesn’t feel quite so cluttered and the world doesn’t seem quite so scary.

Except on Sunday and Monday, when my wife has days off.  By then I’m over being a responsible adult and tend to become a bit of a recluse.

 

“It’s just attention seeking”

Dear Readers.

If someone tells you they feel so stuck, so lost, so alone, so completely fucked up that the only solution is to commit suicide PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take them seriously.

Do not tell them it’s attention seeking.
Do not get mad with them
Do not roll your eyes and ignore it
Do not tell them to stop being silly
Do not tell them to get over it
Do not tell them to go and do something to take their mind off it.

TALK to them.
HUG them.
Tell them you LOVE them.
ASK what you can do for them.
DON’T presume it is all ‘for attention’ brushing it, and them off.

I am not stupid, I know that some people threaten to commit suicide or do something to harm themselves to get attention, but just because they’ve done it once, even ten times before, doesn’t mean they aren’t being 1000% honest this time.

Someone I love dearly is going through a really hard time right now and I have been beside myself with worry.  She was incredibly strong and took herself to get help when no one would listen or take her seriously… I hope she eventually understands just how brave she was for doing that; so many people don’t have that strength.

Roadtrip: success!

… admittedly one of the highlights of our weekend

Well, our roadtrip was pretty damn successful!  So successful in fact, that the kids all want to move to Napier.  So do we.  Dreams are free, huh.

Rather than giving a hugely detailed account of our trip I thought I’d just post some photos and a general overview… here goes!

Friday
We left about lunchtime, got to Napier at 3.30pm and stopped at the Silky Oak Chocolate Company for some afternoon tea (OMG, the 3 hour trip was worth it for the Marshmallow slice!).  We then went into the city and spent some time on Marine Parade before heading up to the Bluff Hill lookout for some… well, looking out!  Bluff Hill was followed by a trip to Mexi Mama for an authentic Mexican dinner.  Well worth the cost, the food was simply delicious!  After dinner we found our way out to my friend’s house and spent a couple of hours socialising before getting some much needed sleep.

Kiddos all ready to go!

Rainbow on the way to Napier

Marshmallow slice from Silky Oak Chocolate Company

Entering Napier… I love the Palm trees!

Marine Parade

Bluff Hill

Mexican for dinner… seemed only right to have a Corona!

 

Saturday
We left my friend’s at around 8.30am and headed into Hastings to get some new shoes for Emersyn.  Her boots broke.  Of course.  After our quick visit to KMart we went up to the top of Te Mata Peak and were lucky enough to have a breathtaking view of Hawke’s Bay.  Te Mata Peak was followed by a short visit to Arataki Honey to sample some honey and learn about bees… it was quite fascinating really!  From Arataki Honey we finally made it to Skeinz.  It was love at first sight, I tell ya!  All that wool, all that inspiration – it really would have been easy to spend hundreds of dollars in there!  By then time was getting on so we had a quick stop at McDonalds for lunch before going to McLean Park to watch Hawke’s Bay beat Taranaki in the final pre-season match.  We were lucky enough to get a photo with one of our favourite players who seemed amused when Eloise told him her dad used to be his teacher when he was in primary school!  After the game we stopped at the famous Marine Parade playground before heading to Feilding to stay with friends for the night.

Te Mata Peak

Skeinz, baby!

The kids with Tony Lamborn, a family favourite!

… and a rainbow on our way out of Napier

Sunday
Was mostly spent in our pyjamas, having baby cuddles. Eventually we left, getting home at around 3.30pm.

My wifey and Miss Lillian (3mo)

As nice as our weekend was, it was lovely to get home!

… and Mr Bo was happy to have us home

Sometimes I don’t think I’m fit to be part of the human race

A portrait of yours truly

Weeks like this are enough to make me pull my hair out.  Actually, earlier this morning that is what I was trying to do.  I was pulling on my hair hoping it would come out in my hand and some of the frustration I was feeling would magically disappear, perhaps it would float out of the empty hair follicles?

Like the title for this blog states: sometimes I don’t think I’m fit to be part of the human race, or at the least, that I’m not fit to be part of a human clan.  I should be shut off from everyone and everything, left to my own devices until I either ‘get over it’ (how I hate that fucking term, but it is all I can think of) or finally do lose the plot and get carted off in a straight jacket.

Rationally I know I’m not insane, that a straight jacket isn’t in my future – BUT – weeks like this I feel like I’m just one little step away from being locked up and the key being thrown away.  Perhaps into a volcano.  Or the core of the sun.  Somewhere as hot as a mofo, that would dissolve the key.

I can’t even explain what is wrong or why I feel this way.

Am I sad?  I dunno.  Maybe.  I miss my parents and my sister. (Yeah, now sit me watch and cry with those words out on virtual paper)
Am I angry?  Not really, well, only with myself.
Am I upset about something-in-particular?  No.  If there was something that was making me upset I would be able to fix it, this funk would have disappeared almost as soon as it began.

I tried to explain it to Lauriel yesterday, the best I could come up with was

Nothing specific, my blood just feels thick and I can’t breathe and my brain is cloudy and something is clutching at my throat

Nothing specific.  Sure.  How the hell can ‘nothing specific’ turn me into a complete and utter bitch?  I have a horribly short temper, I don’t know if I’ve said a nice word to the kids all week (okay, I have, a lot, but it doesn’t feel like it), I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to stay at home, I don’t laugh at things I’d normally laugh at.

I just feel tense.  Wound up.  Tight.  Hyper-sensitive.

Sound.  Sound is doing my head in.  Literally.  The constant chatter of the kids, the music they play on their tablets, the singing they do, the hovering, the- all our kids do is talk and make noise!

I hate myself for finding the above annoying – they are bloody kids – it’s what they do!  It’s what they are meant to do, it is what they are allowed to do, it’s what kids have done for hundreds of thousands of years!  They talk, they laugh, they sing, they ask, the whine, they giggle… and here I am, cringing and clenching my jaw, wishing like hell they would just shut the f**k up.

I’m like the fucking grinch right now.

What makes it worse is that it hasn’t been a one day thing, it has been the whole week.  I know it is probably caused by stress (money related), cabin fever (we have been stuck at home a lot due to being down one car and having a kiddo with a fractured ankle) and good ol’ hormones (seriously, you’d think evolution would have made hormones easier to deal with?).  Even though I know that, no matter how hard I try to force myself out of this funk, I can’t.

Even as I’m telling myself ‘calm down’, I am getting angry because of Bruno Mars or Taylor Swift playing from a bedroom, or because of a child asking for the fiftieth time if it is lunchtime yet, or because a fly keeps landing on my ankle, or because the wind is blowing a certain way (actually, I lie, there has been bugger all wind lately!)…

Irrational.  That’s me right now.

I KNOW it is going to go away, that it’s not a permanent thing… but that doesn’t make being in the middle of it any easier.

What I’m most ashamed of is that it’s my kids suffering.  They didn’t ask for a mother with mental health problems!  Perhaps it’s harder because most of the time I DO feel fine, in fact, I have felt better over the past six months than I have in years… but getting used to feeling good means that when I feel bad, I feel really, really bad.

Tell me how it is fair that ‘healing’ or ‘recovering’ or ‘whatever’ from depression can leave you feeling worse than when you AREN’T dealing with it?

Before I sign off, I feel the need to share this video again, all about a big black dog… the perfect metaphor for depression

 

Latest projects

I just realised it has been quite some time since I posted any photos of projects I have been making.  I have had a couple of projects that haven’t worked out this month, perhaps that is why I haven’t done a lot of sharing?  Anyway, in case anyone is just dying to know what I’ve been up to, here are some of my latest works… you may notice a theme.

Newborn size hat

Another newborn size hat

A hat for a special girl in Canada

A hat for another special little Canadian!

A little hood I made for Emersyn

A hat I am calling my Prozac hat… it is the same colours as my Prozac capsules