Emma 1 – socks 0

Okay, a more accurate representation is probably Emma 2 – socks 57,000… but I can officially say (read: boast) that I have finally finished a pair of socks for myself.  I posted a while back about not being able to get past the toes of socks for myself, but a couple of days ago I finished a pair!

I used Sarah Ronchetti’s Scott Base – toe up pattern, the same pattern I used for the pair I knit for Emmy a couple of months ago.  I am now working on a pair of the same socks for Lauriel, in a gorgeous rainbow yarn.

 

 

Lauriel’s socks – past the toes and onto the foot!

 

On a side note, my mum has been working on socks as well and finished her about the same time I finished mine!

I feel like Dory right now

No matter how hard I try at the moment, I just can’t get past the toe section of damn socks.  My latest knitting challenge is to knit two socks at a time.  It goes brilliantly until I get to the end of the toes and then I f*ck up in some way.  I feel like I can’t win and that I should give up, but stupid me doesn’t want to give up!

I know, I know it’s actually a good thing that I don’t want to give up, but right now, as I stare at empty knitting needles and messy balls of yarn, I feel plain ol’ defeated.

All I can think of is Dory from Finding Nemo.  Just keep swimming knitting, just keep swimming knitting, just keep swimming knitting…

If I just keep swimming knitting, surely, eventually I will have to accomplish this goal, right?  (Please?!)

A new studenty me.

I started my second degree this year, a BA majoring in Classics and minoring in French.  This semester I am taking French, Latin, Identity and Belonging, and Greek History; it is odd to be doing non-business related papers, like I have been doing for the past three years (a B.Communication is essentially full of business papers), but I love it.

Something else that is different, and that I’m quite proud of?  Right now I’m on my mid-semester break (2 weeks) and for the first time in my time as a Massey student, I am up to date… this year I can actually use the mid-semester break for revising and relaxing!  It’s quite an amazing feeling really, not feeling like I’m playing catch up, or that I’m falling more behind with each day.

I don’t feel as if I’m progressing enough with French or Latin, but rather than freaking about it, I am doing something about it.  Revising.  That thing I always promise myself I’ll do, but up until now, have not.

I think my depression is a bit better than it has been because I am now in a daily routine with studying etc, no more sitting around wasting time and thinking about what I should be doing…  It’s taken years, but hopefully it’s a permanent change!

Things I need to remember:

The biggest fucker of a… well, right now I’m in a state and can’t think of the stupid word…

We’re told to speak, to voice our opinions, to not be afraid of telling someone how we feel; we decide to be brave, to speak, to let our voice be heard, to make our feelings known; and then we remember why we choose not to speak, to make our opinions known, or to explain how we feel.

Yeap.  In the space of two or three days I’ve severely fucked off two important people in my life, and as I sit here in tears, trying to breath properly rather than hyperventilate, all I can think is “and that is why you don’t do people, you stupid bitch.”

I feel useless, as if I don’t belong; society isn’t a place for me.  I’ve tried to be so brave, to socialise, to open up and go against every instinct in my body that tells me to run and hide.  Now I just want to run and hide more.

Why do I bother interacting and trying to be ‘normal’, when it just blows up in my fucking face?

Gratitudey crap

I keep seeing the word ‘gratitude’ popping up a lot at the moment.  I guess with the new year people are deciding it’s a fitting time to try and make more of an effort to appreciate the little things in life.  Like all resolutions made at the start of the year, I doubt it lasts past a few weeks for most people… but it’s the thought that counts, right?  Even if someone can do it for a few weeks, it may make a positive impact on their year, so what is to lose?

So I figured I’d jump on the bandwagon.  I highly doubt I’ll post it every day, or even every week… okay, being completely honest with myself, I will probably only make this one post, so I guess I better make it a good one!

My laptop battery is about to die so I guess I’ll just do three gratitudey things for today…

1.  I have an amazing wife who puts up with soooooooooooo much from me.  It takes a special person to be able to deal with someone who suffers from depression (and anxiety), but somehow my wife does it and, even more surprisingly, seems to be more in love with me as time passes.
2. Although I am sad my children are away for a prolonged period of time (though Gabrielle is back in two days!), I am grateful that in Emersyn’s case she has a whole other family who love spending time with her.  Right now she is bonding with her two younger sisters and developing her relationship with her dad and step-mum, as well as her step-mum’s family.  It is incredibly hard being away from her, but I am also glad that she has reason to be away from me for so long.  I am also grateful that, in Gabrielle’s case, my sister and parents wanted to spend extra time with her.  She is getting lots of cousin time, something they’ve all missed out on up until now, she is also getting quality time with her aunty & grandparents… something that I know from my own experience, is so important.
3. This one will sound stupid, but my final gratitudey thing for today is that so far, I haven’t cried today.  Actually, I can’t remember if I cried yesterday either.  Considering so far 2016 has been the year of the tear for me, it is a huge accomplishment and something I truly am grateful for.

 

So there you have it.  In amongst the depressive episode I’m currently having, there are at least three things I am grateful for; things that I can think about and smile, knowing that although at times it seems like there is nothing positive happening in my brain, there actually is.

I should know by now.

I should know by now not to entertain the thought that ‘perhaps I am better’.

One thing I have learnt on this stupid journey is that I am never going to be ‘better’, and one thing I realise now is that I should make the most of the days where I feel ‘okay’, because I think ‘okay’ is as good as it is going to get for me.

Life is never going to be brilliant.  I am never going to be the happiest, most positive person in the world.  Right now it is a struggle to be a happy person in general.

I’m typing this in our bedroom because I have yelled at everyone so far today and figure, hey, it is probably best if the only person I can yell at or be nasty to is myself.  I happen to be very good in that particular aspect.

I hoped I would start the New Year off the way I intended it to continue, but all the New Year has brought me, so far, is a lot of tears and that horrible feeling of being devoured whole by something based entirely in my own brain.

I hate my brain, at times like this.

Obviously it doesn’t help that both of my children are away, but still, I am a grown ass woman, I should be able to cope with a few days apart.

In the meantime I guess I’ll just continue making life miserable for the poor people who are stuck in the same house as me.

Christmas photo 2015

On Sunday we had a family photo taken with Santa!  The last time we did this was 2012 and it is amazing how much the kiddos have grown!!!

I have more to update but I don’t have the time right now… so I shall just leave you with our photo!

… and for comparison, our photo taken in 2012 (our first ever family photo!)

Emma Masson-Oakden (BC (JS))

I competed my degree! 

I am still in shock because I never imagined the day would arrive where I would be walking across the stage in cap and gown, to receive a degree I completed.  I can’t quite describe how it feels, knowing I have accomplished something I first set out to do 14 years ago… after many false starts I finally made it; I am now a graduate, holding a Bachelor of Communication with a major in Journalism Studies.

Not only was the last semester my final one – it was also my most successful semester – with no grade lower than a B+.

My goal for both semesters this year was to not get anything below a ‘B’ grade, something I didn’t achieve in semester one, but most certainly achieved in semester two!  It feels good to know that I can set myself such a goal and actually achieve it.  To be honest, I think my grades in the final semester were just as exciting for me as completing my degree… the only other A grade (A-) I received was back in my first year, in my Media Skills class.  To achieve three in one semester just blew me away.

What’s next for me?

Being the stickler for punishment that I am, I am back to study next year and this time will be working toward my BA.  I am majoring in Classical Studies because it is something that I have been passionate about since high school and I know that if I don’t take the time to study it more in depth, I am going to regret it when I am older.

I am confident that in 2018 I will be in a similar situation, having successfully completed my BA!

Maybe I CAN do this…

Lauriel got a job and began working last week.  I was worried about how I would cope because since about April 2013 she has been doing a bulk of the responsible adulting and parenting, because of my less than stellar mental health.

Prior to last week, I can’t really remember the last time I took the kids to school by myself, or went and did the groceries by myself (actually, it was Christmas Eve 2014… what was I, fucking crazy???), or did the little errands that needed to be done.  Sometimes I would go to school with her.  Sometimes I would go to the supermarket with her.  Very rarely did I do anything alone that would put me in contact with those scary human things.

Depression and anxiety do fucked up things to your brain.  The simplest of adult tasks seemed impossible and I lacked motivation to do… well, anything really.  Even eating was hard and on a daily basis Lauriel would have to force me to eat breakfast, to eat lunch.

You can understand how shocked I am that 10 days into needing to be self sufficient, and being responsible for everything relating to the kids (until 5pm), I am thriving.

I wouldn’t say I LOVE my wife being at work all day, but finally, after years and years of feeling like I am inadequate as an adult, I feel like a real adult.  I feel like a real mum.  I feel like a real wife.

I really am shocked that I feel so mentally well, because I thought it’d be the opposite.  I had images of myself crying all day while Lauriel was at work.  I had images of needing to force myself to pick the kids up, and crying all the way there.  I had images of being pissy that I had to go to the supermarket, of getting out of that place and being ready to punch a brick wall.

But no.  Being in a routine has done wonders for me.  Doing what I want, when I want is no longer an option.

I know that I have to be awake at 7.30am. 
I know that I have to have the lunches done and kids out the door by 8.30am. 
I know that I need to do x, y & z on certain days. 
I know I need to leave home and be at school by 2.50pm. 
I know I need to bring the kids home and get afternoon tea and homework underway. 
I know that I need to have dinner planned and depending on what it is, underway by 5.30pm. 
I know that between 5.00pm and 5.30pm Lauriel gets home and we spend a few minutes cuddling and talking about the day. 
I know that around 6.30pm dinner is had. 
I know that between 7pm & 7.30pm the three younger kids go to bed. 
I know that 8pm means lights off. 
I know that around 9pm Eloise goes to bed. 
I know that around 10.30pm we go to bed.

The last time I felt ‘blah’ (aka: depressed) or anxious was at least 10 days ago, and that is a major accomplishment for me.

I do miss my wife like crazy when she’s at work, but I’m also busy enough that I don’t really have time to sit and mope, or to feel sorry for myself.  For the first time in a long time, my brain doesn’t feel quite so cluttered and the world doesn’t seem quite so scary.

Except on Sunday and Monday, when my wife has days off.  By then I’m over being a responsible adult and tend to become a bit of a recluse.

 

And I’m freeeeee…. freeSTYLING

After my emotional crappiness in the early hours of the morning, I wanted to share something positive, something that made me feel good about myself, that made me feel not-crap.

I spent the morning knitting.  Literally 8.20am-1pm I was knitting like a… well, something that knits really intensely.  The end result was a Milo for my cousin’s baby due in February.  More specifically, it is a Milo that included a little freestyling!  Yeap.  Me.  The person who must follow a pattern, who must follow a recipe, who must do something exactly how she is told to… I freestyled.

Okay, so I didn’t freestyle a hell of a lot, in fact, it was only one row that was different from the pattern… but I love that it worked!  I did a row of eyelets so I could lace through some ribbon to be tied in a bow at the front.  Being that I haven’t had babies for a long time now, it may turn out that ribbon is a pure and simple pain in the ass with a baby, in which case I am sure my cousin will use her brain and remove the ribbon!

Was nice to do something that left me feeling accomplished today.