One of the things I hate the most about suffering from depression and anxiety, is my inability to explain exactly what is wrong when I am in one of my depressive or anxious phases. I think it is something that other people suffering from depression and anxiety understand, but for those lucky enough not too it can be so hard to verbalise what’s going in in your brain.
Usually I can’t pinpoint WHAT is wrong. All I know is that ten minutes ago I felt fine and now I feel as if my brain is shutting off, there is a huge foggy haze clouding mood, and where I was laughing not long ago, now all I feel like doing is lying on the floor and crying. My common response when Lauriel asks me what is wrong is “I just feel blah” or “my brain is being stupid”, because 99% of the time there is no reason for my need to cry, or my sudden attack of the ‘I suck’s. I wish there was, it would make life so much easier.
I have started trying to pay attention to what is going on around me when I can feel that foggy haze starting to close in, but usually there is nothing different happening. No one has pissed me off, no one has upset me, I haven’t received bad news, I’m not waiting for an important phone call, I’m not worried about a friend or family member. My brain just does this thing where it decides I have been happy for too long, and that I need a bit of a reality check. I need to be reminded that no matter how good I am feeling, anxiety and depression are always there in the background, just waiting for the right seemingly invisible trigger to set them off.
I experienced one of those ‘attacks’ today. I was fine, laughing with Lauriel, feeling perfectly happy. And then I was in this deep dark cave of shitty emotions and could not find my way out. She asked what was wrong and I shrugged as I said “I don’t know”, and then wished like hell I could tell her something specific so we could work out a way to fix it.
When I get into this state I seem to instinctively take Lauriel’s hand and lead her to the bedroom. We get in bed, I bury my face in her chest and the tears come. I happen to think I am very lucky because now that I am medicated and dealing with the stupid chemical imbalance in my brain, I start to feel better quickly. It’s as if by the simple act of cuddling me Lauriel is recharging my mental/emotional batteries. She lets me feel whatever I am feeling (something I think IS important) and has never minimised what I’m going through. I have never heard the words ‘just get over it’ from her, and I think that is something that helps me a lot.
We lie down. I cry. I stop crying. I talk about how screwed up my brain feels. I cry some more. She makes me laugh. I cry some more. She makes me laugh. I start feeling incredibly grateful that I have someone so amazingly understanding to go through this with.
I hate that I can’t tell her exactly why I feel sad, why I am freaking out about a headache, why I am worried about Emersyn going on a preschool trip, why I’m not laughing at something I would usually laugh at; but for some reason she understands that and lets me go through my own little selfish process until I feel with it enough to actually get out of bed and attempt to resume normal life.
Those of you who have a loved one who suffers from depression… try not to take it personally when they tell you they don’t know what’s wrong, or can’t go into specifics, because chances are they can’t. Do love on that person though. Do hug them. Do kiss them. Do let them cry. You may feel like something as simple as holding them while they cry isn’t very helpful, but believe me, it makes a LOT more difference than you will ever know!
Emma Knits 