Sometimes I don’t think I’m fit to be part of the human race

A portrait of yours truly

Weeks like this are enough to make me pull my hair out.  Actually, earlier this morning that is what I was trying to do.  I was pulling on my hair hoping it would come out in my hand and some of the frustration I was feeling would magically disappear, perhaps it would float out of the empty hair follicles?

Like the title for this blog states: sometimes I don’t think I’m fit to be part of the human race, or at the least, that I’m not fit to be part of a human clan.  I should be shut off from everyone and everything, left to my own devices until I either ‘get over it’ (how I hate that fucking term, but it is all I can think of) or finally do lose the plot and get carted off in a straight jacket.

Rationally I know I’m not insane, that a straight jacket isn’t in my future – BUT – weeks like this I feel like I’m just one little step away from being locked up and the key being thrown away.  Perhaps into a volcano.  Or the core of the sun.  Somewhere as hot as a mofo, that would dissolve the key.

I can’t even explain what is wrong or why I feel this way.

Am I sad?  I dunno.  Maybe.  I miss my parents and my sister. (Yeah, now sit me watch and cry with those words out on virtual paper)
Am I angry?  Not really, well, only with myself.
Am I upset about something-in-particular?  No.  If there was something that was making me upset I would be able to fix it, this funk would have disappeared almost as soon as it began.

I tried to explain it to Lauriel yesterday, the best I could come up with was

Nothing specific, my blood just feels thick and I can’t breathe and my brain is cloudy and something is clutching at my throat

Nothing specific.  Sure.  How the hell can ‘nothing specific’ turn me into a complete and utter bitch?  I have a horribly short temper, I don’t know if I’ve said a nice word to the kids all week (okay, I have, a lot, but it doesn’t feel like it), I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to stay at home, I don’t laugh at things I’d normally laugh at.

I just feel tense.  Wound up.  Tight.  Hyper-sensitive.

Sound.  Sound is doing my head in.  Literally.  The constant chatter of the kids, the music they play on their tablets, the singing they do, the hovering, the- all our kids do is talk and make noise!

I hate myself for finding the above annoying – they are bloody kids – it’s what they do!  It’s what they are meant to do, it is what they are allowed to do, it’s what kids have done for hundreds of thousands of years!  They talk, they laugh, they sing, they ask, the whine, they giggle… and here I am, cringing and clenching my jaw, wishing like hell they would just shut the f**k up.

I’m like the fucking grinch right now.

What makes it worse is that it hasn’t been a one day thing, it has been the whole week.  I know it is probably caused by stress (money related), cabin fever (we have been stuck at home a lot due to being down one car and having a kiddo with a fractured ankle) and good ol’ hormones (seriously, you’d think evolution would have made hormones easier to deal with?).  Even though I know that, no matter how hard I try to force myself out of this funk, I can’t.

Even as I’m telling myself ‘calm down’, I am getting angry because of Bruno Mars or Taylor Swift playing from a bedroom, or because of a child asking for the fiftieth time if it is lunchtime yet, or because a fly keeps landing on my ankle, or because the wind is blowing a certain way (actually, I lie, there has been bugger all wind lately!)…

Irrational.  That’s me right now.

I KNOW it is going to go away, that it’s not a permanent thing… but that doesn’t make being in the middle of it any easier.

What I’m most ashamed of is that it’s my kids suffering.  They didn’t ask for a mother with mental health problems!  Perhaps it’s harder because most of the time I DO feel fine, in fact, I have felt better over the past six months than I have in years… but getting used to feeling good means that when I feel bad, I feel really, really bad.

Tell me how it is fair that ‘healing’ or ‘recovering’ or ‘whatever’ from depression can leave you feeling worse than when you AREN’T dealing with it?

Before I sign off, I feel the need to share this video again, all about a big black dog… the perfect metaphor for depression

 

Recipe – the most delicious macaroni salad EVER

Pretty strong statement to make, right?  Well I stand by it 100%.

Most people have one recipe they are famous for, at least amongst their friends and family anyway – it might be a particular cake, maybe a way to cook ribs, perhaps even a special sauce – whatever it is there are never any leftovers.

My mum is famous for her macaroni salad.  I think she made it for the first time when I was about seven, so we’re talking a good 24 years ago.  It is no longer requested for occasions such as Christmas, or for summer gatherings like a picnic or bbq – no – it is now expected.  While composing a list of food ‘Vicki’s macaroni salad’ will be the top of the list, mum won’t need to be asked, she won’t need to offer… it will just happen naturally.

A few years ago I began making the salad myself and those first few times were cause for nerves.  Could I do it justice?  Would people be disappointed?  Was there something magical about the way mum mixed the salad or made the sauce?  Would I have to hang my head in shame?  Would that particular occasion be referred to as ‘macaroni saladgate’?  Would it be something we never spoke of again?

Simple answer, no.  The recipe is easy and pretty forgiving.

The recipe has been passed on to a few people since it has been in my hands, and I decided to spread the joy even more and post the recipe right here, on my blog.

Vicki’s Macaroni Salad

Salad ingredients:
2-3 cups of uncooked macaroni (that you then go on to cook!) (mum just uses a whole bag of macaroni)
1c grated cheese
1c grated carrot
1x 450g tin whole kernel corn (drained)
1x 450g tin crushed pineapple (drained)

Dressing: (in microwave safe bowl)
Beat two eggs
Add 1 tsp salt, 1tsp mustard powder, 3/4c sugar, 2 tbsp flour
Whisk then bring slowly to boil in microwave (I do this in 30 second bursts)
Add 1/2c milk, 1/2c vinegar (mum uses malt vinegar, I use white vinegar, both are fine)
Cook using short bursts until thick (again I do this in 30 second bursts)
Leave to cool (I do this by putting the bowl with the sauce in a larger bowl with cold water in it, or in the sink with cold water in it, or you can just leave it to cool naturally)

To prepare:
Cook the macaroni – then drain it in cold water (this helps stop it going sticky and also cools down the macaroni)
When the macaroni is cool add cheese, carrot, corn and pineapple
Mix
Add the sauce when it is cool (if you put it in warm it will melt the cheese)

The above is the recipe as stated in mum’s recipe book, but the beauty of this recipe is that you can really use whatever you like in the actual salad and use the dressing as normal.

For example, last week we had a birthday party to go to, there was going to be a BBQ and everyone was asked to take something to contribute.  I wanted to do the macaroni salad but other than the macaroni and ingredients for the dressing, we didn’t have the exact ingredients.  Instead of the corn, cheese, pineapple I added shredded chicken, cubed cucumber,  sliced spring onions, cubed tomato and grated carrot.  It was just as delicious as always!  I made another one earlier this week and week with spiral pasta, cubed cucumber, sliced spring onions, cubed tomato and diced carrot.  Again, delicious!

Versatile, I guess that is a word you could use to describe this recipe.  Pasta and the dressing provides a delicious base that you can really add anything to.  A friend made it on Monday with lettuce, cheese, tomato and egg.  I would go as far as saying it would probably be just as yummy without any of the vegetable goodness.

What would a post about this delicious salad be without some photos?  I wasn’t with my family on Christmas day, but there was one common denominator in all of our Christmas lunches.  Macaroni salad.  My family in Dunedin made one, my mum in Christchurch made one, and I made one too right here in Wanganui.  I suggested we all post a photo of our salads on Facebook and that is what we did!

My macaroni salad

My cousin’s salad

Mum’s salad (this is a more accurate representation of the colour of the salad)

Enjoy!  I would love to hear about it if you make this salad!

Recipe – ChocolateSuze.com’s Brown sugar pavlova

Possibly one of the best non-family related things about the Christmas/New Year period was that I found a recipe for a delicious pavlova.  Not only is it delicious, it seems pretty hard to f**k up, unlike every other pavlova recipe I have tried!  I can’t think of how many times I have found it since I first made it (on New Years Eve I think?), but I have given the recipe to a few other people, all of whom have had success with the pav – and deemed it the best pav ever – naturally I had to share!

For the recipe click here, and while you’re at it check out the social media links!

I promise the recipe is really easy, and it is quite cheap to make too – all you need is brown sugar, egg whites and cream of tartar… a little egg separating, a little egg beating and adding of brown sugar, a little cooking and BOOM, delicious pavlova!

Here are some photos of the process involved in making the pav… proof that it really is simple!  You may notice there is no ‘after’ shot… that may be because it gets eaten before I get a chance to take the photo.  There is one in the oven right now, perhaps I’ll get that longed for photo tonight!

We make sure the egg yolks don’t go to waste; when the pavlova is cooked and generally when it has been eaten, Lauriel cooks a sponge cake!

A belated happy 2015!

I want to apologise for neglecting this blog!  I have another blog I have been focusing on lately and no matter how many times I say ‘I really must post _________ on Anxious Hooker‘ I forget.  Until now that is.  Good things take time, better late than never, etc etc etc.

So, HAPPY 2015 to all of my followers and those of you who accidentally stumbled on my blog.  2015 has been a good year for me so far.  Lauriel’s kiddos were away for the best part of this month and just got back today, needless to say it is a very happy household we are in right this moment!  The kids haven’t even started fighting yet, and it has been about 2 1/2 hours – they REALLY must have missed each other!

I have a few things I want to post and rather than bog it all down in one blog post, I will do them separately.

I promise to start posting more, there is after all no end to the thoughts inside my head!